This is not an official Altoids site. But there is one.

Mint Heresies!

Recently, many heretical and impious mints have been seen, many of them even sacrilegiously packaged in metal boxes in imitation of the holy Altoids, long may they keep!

Web Fuel mint box Here, for example, displayed on the rack of the Altoids Inquisition just before being drained of useful information, is a container of something called Web Fuel.

This is a relatively mild heresy. It contains no gum arabic, and to me it tastes sweeter and little less intense than the True Mint. Actually, it's pretty good-tasting. As is well known, that which is most evil can make itself seem most sweet.

Brown & Haley mint box Another, far worse, heresy comes from Tacoma. It contains magnesium stearate, Aspartame, and CORN STARCH. It is an abomination. It must be burned, stamped out, eradicated!

Soon, we hope to show all waverers the awful fate that awaits heretical mints that dare challenge the one True Mint.

Finally, there is one name so awful that it cannot be written, it cannot be spoken, it cannot even be thought without doing damage to ones mind, ones life, ones taste buds. The color of this abomination is green, and the name of this abomination starts with a cold season, but woe unto him who says or even thinks this ill-omened name. So great is its evil, that it contains artificial flavors.


This is a work of fiction. All characters are made up, or are used fictionally.

[Altoids shrine] [Links] [dd-b] [site status] [pit]
Last modified Wednesday, 09-Aug-2006 12:02:08 PDT.
David Dyer-Bennet